Q: We’re going to have a formal evening wedding and we really want it to be a grown-up affair. How do we tell people their children are not invited?

A: Printing “no children” or “adults only” on an invitation simply is not done. If the children’s names are not written below the names of their parents on the inner envelope of the invitation, it should be perfectly clear that they are not invited. In reality, though, the omission of the children’s names is too subtle a directive for some people. If you really want to be sure that guests do not bring their children, perhaps a tactfully worded line about “space limitations” on an enclosure, such as the map/direction card, would suffice. And watch the responses as they come in. If the parents’ response to the invitation indicates that they plan to bring the children, a phone call is in order. You can say, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Jones, but there seems to be a misunderstanding. You’ve indicated that all four of you will be attending, but due to space limitations we’re only able to invite our adult friends. I do hope this won’t inconvenience you and Mr. Jones too much.” To leave no base uncovered, also have your close friends and relatives spread the word. If anyone inquires beyond your “due to space limitations,” stand firm and avoid getting bogged down in lengthy discussions; that will only get you into trouble! Perhaps just add, “As much as we would love to have the children there, it’s simply impossible. I’m sorry.” You cannot back down and make any exceptions or there definitely will be hurt feelings on the part of the other parents.

Q: Neither of us, nor our parents, are into dancing. Is a first dance or father-daughter dance mandatory?

A: Wedding traditions and wedding etiquette often are confused. While etiquette is mostly about kindness and common sense, traditions simply are the elements of a wedding that have become customary from generation to generation. They are often presumed to be ancient and unalterable, when actually they can be adjusted at will or even dispensed with altogether. Your wedding consultant should be able to help you handle these adjustments with grace and style.

Q: Who pays for the clothing and travel expenses of the attendants?

A: It is customary for attendants to cover these costs themselves; however, some couples graciously offer assistance if they are able. Traditionally, the bride and groom pay for attendants’ hotel accommodations. And if the bride has chosen a dress for her attendants that is more expensive than the usual, she should pay for that portion over the amount that her attendants reasonably might have expected to pay.

Q: My mother and my fiancé’s mother are not cooperating. I want them to wear the same color as the bridesmaids, but my fiancé’s mother says she looks horrible in that color.

A: If it were not for the group photos, it would hardly matter what the mothers wore. Nevertheless, don’t forget that what the mothers wear is important to them. Group photos do look best when there is a certain amount of harmony. But there is no need to get too “matchy-matchy.” The mothers’ dresses do not need to be the same color as those of the bridesmaids, and each mother may wear a different color. Even limiting the mothers’ choices to colors that will complement the bridesmaid dresses gives them a lot of room for personal choice. The mothers’ dresses can vary in style, too, but should be the same degree of formality.

Q: At my shower, one of the guests told me she hadn’t received the wedding invitation yet. I didn’t know what to say—she’s not invited.

A: You might want to rethink this. A person who is not being invited to the wedding should not have been invited to the shower. Since this woman was invited to the shower, she has every reason to assume that her invitation to the wedding has been lost in the mail. The proper thing to do would be to apologize profusely and mail an invitation immediately. If you have any other showers coming up, be sure to inspect the guest lists before the invitations go out.

Q: Is it okay to give one favor per couple, or do I have to give one to each guest?

A: It is perfectly acceptable to give one favor per couple or single guest, but it does necessitate the use of place cards. Otherwise, placing the favors gets a bit tricky. Just setting one at every other place does not work. Many single guests would not get a favor. Once the place cards are in position, just set each favor in between the two place cards of a couple and directly above the place setting of a single guest. If you will not be using place cards, you must have a favor for each guest.

Q: I will be keeping my maiden name, so what title do I use? Is it “Mrs.” followed by my maiden name? And how should the minister announce us after the ceremony?

A: It is incorrect for a married woman to use the title “Mrs.” with her maiden name; “Ms.” is the appropriate title in this case. Many women today prefer “Ms.” as it is a title that does not advertise one’s marital status.

Your minister, I’m sure, knows what to call you after the ceremony. S/he might say something like: “May I introduce to you for the first time as husband and wife, Jane Doe and John Adams.” There is no need to mention at that time that you are retaining your maiden name.

Q: Help! My fiancé and I come from different religious backgrounds (he is Christian, I am Jewish). We would like to find an officiant who can blend both of our traditions for our wedding ceremony. Any suggestions?

A: Many officiants, including Reform rabbis, are willing to perform interfaith ceremonies. Some, not all, Reform rabbis are willing to co-officiate with American Catholic priests, Protestant ministers and other clergy. Understandably, they have their limits as to how far they will go to blend both of your traditions. For example, one bride was disappointed when the officiating rabbi nixed the unity candle. Many interfaith couples’ compromise is to choose a judge or a nondenominational minister who is open to completely personalizing their ceremony.

Q: Do we have to have a champagne toast? My fiancé comes from a family that thinks toasting is superstitious, and we don’t like champagne or wine anyway.

A: Many couples don’t care for one or more aspects of the typical wedding but feel they have no choice. They hesitate to break from tradition, not realizing that the wedding traditions of today haven’t been around all that long anyway. Etiquette is a continuously evolving thing. All sorts of adjustments can be made quite gracefully and should be, especially when a tradition conflicts with the beliefs of the couple or their families.

In this case, it’s a simple matter of having speeches instead of toasts. The people who will be giving the speeches should be told in advance, and reminded again at the wedding, that they are giving a speech rather than a toast. If someone forgets and slips up, your fiancé’s family will know that you did everything you could.