When you fell in love with your fiancé, you may not have been concerned with his religious beliefs. Maybe you didn’t even talk much about religion—until you decided to get married. Then you probably discovered that if you are of different faiths, you face more decisions than other couples. Should you have a religious ceremony? If so, which religion should you choose? Should you try to blend the two? Should you have two different ceremonies? Or should you opt for a completely non-religious ceremony so no one—family members included—will feel slighted?

While they bring up many questions, interfaith weddings needn’t be a source of stress. Wedding plans may be a little less complicated for couples of the same religion, true. But as an interfaith couple, your wedding presents an opportunity to create a ceremony that will honor both of your beliefs and your individuality as a couple.

Consider Your Options
The first consideration is whether you’ll have a religious ceremony—and if so, which religion will predominate. When Julie and Bryan Daneman planned their May 27, 2007, wedding in Fort Worth, Texas, they did a lot of research about interfaith weddings—he is Jewish, she is Methodist—and decided to have both a rabbi and a minister conduct the ceremony.

“We decided quickly that we wanted a neutral site,” Julie says. “We wanted to be comfortable and happy, but we also wanted our guests to feel comfortable at the ceremony.”

The couple created a custom ceremony that reflected both of their religious traditions. “It wasn’t that we necessarily needed all of the things that go with a traditional ceremony. We just wanted the traditions that stood out,” says Bryan. The couple incorporated Jewish elements including the Kiddush, a blessing over the wine, and the traditional breaking of the glass at the end of the ceremony, as well as the lighting of a unity candle and a reading from the New Testament (Corinthians 1:13, about the definition of love).

Reach a Compromise
Not every couple is able to blend two religions so seamlessly—especially when their families have strong opinions about how the wedding should be performed. Heather Lazar originally planned to have a wedding that incorporated both her and her fiancé’s religious backgrounds, but found it was more challenging than she anticipated.

Lazar, who is Jewish, married Rajen Subba, a Hindu from Nepal, on April 29, 2007, in Chicago. “Religion was always a big issue from the time we started dating,” Lazar says. “I’m Jewish and my husband is Hindu, and as a Jewish person you’re expected to marry someone who’s Jewish.” The couple dated for about a year before her parents became comfortable with the idea that she was serious about a non-Jewish man; a rabbi married the couple two years later.

“Partly because of the faith issue and cultural issues, I didn’t want something big or something formal, I wanted something really different,” Lazar says. However her mother is a wedding planner and wanted a traditional Jewish wedding for her daughter. Eventually, her mother’s wishes won out.

“Because she’s a wedding planner, I gave her a lot of the decision-making power… but there were things with the faith aspect that I felt really strongly about,” Lazar notes. For example, she created the marriage ceremony program herself, which included a Hindu marriage proverb and a Jewish marriage proverb on the front. “For me, that was kind of a symbol of being able to acknowledge that there were two cultures,” she says.

Still, she says that for the most part it was a “pretty traditional Jewish ceremony,” except that half the people wore Indian saris—traditional attire in Nepal. “Part of it is distance, too, because they don’t live here, so it was very difficult to integrate cultures into this completely Western thing,” Lazar notes. “As the wedding got closer, I kind of regretted that there wasn’t any representation of Hinduism or of his culture.” Recognizing that, the couple now is planning a Hindu wedding in Nepal next January where Lazar will learn more about her husband’s culture and faith.

Put a Twist on Tradition
Having two ceremonies is one option for interfaith couples, though many decide to stick with just one for the sake of convenience. Sayli Wadgaonkar, a Hindu woman, and Mike Moskowitz, who is half-Jewish, half-Catholic, wed in New Orleans on June 2, 2007. Before the wedding, the couple discussed the possibility of having two separate ceremonies to reflect their religious beliefs.

“Everyone was open to having more than one ceremony if we needed to, but my husband actually said he’d rather have one ceremony as long as we were considered married in the end,” says Wadgaonkar. The couple had a traditional Hindu wedding but incorporated some American cultural traditions into it such as having bridesmaids and groomsmen.

“I was born and raised in the U.S, so there were certain things I wanted to do,” says Wadgaonkar. “We also exchanged rings. In the Indian ceremony, the girl gets a wedding necklace, so he gave that to me, and then right after that we exchanged the rings.” Throughout the ceremony, the Hindu priest explained to guests in English what was happening, and the couple had a custom program that explained the significance of the different steps of the wedding.

Both of the couple’s families were fine with their choice of ceremony—in fact, Moskowitz’s family all wore saris and were excited about participating in a Hindu wedding. Keeping their parents in the loop was key, the bride says. “Early on, whether you want to have two ceremonies or not, make sure that’s clear up front,” she says. “Make sure it’s planned ahead of time so that the expectations are clear, and make sure that you involve the parents and that the parents agree with your choice.”

Advice for the 
Interfaith Couple
In fact, planning well in advance is crucial, as it can take extra time to find clergy who will perform interfaith weddings. In addition, you should not make any unilateral decision that the two of you can’t agree on. “The biggest thing is that the lines of communications stay open,” says Julie. “It’s between you and your fiancé to make sure you get the ceremony you really want. You have to be able to say, ‘I’m really not comfortable with going that far one way or another.’”

Once you and your fiancé have agreed, keep your vision in mind, even when faced with family pressures. “It’s your wedding, not your mom’s, or future-mother-in-law’s or grandparents’,” says Bryan.

“You can’t lose yourself in the family on either side, because you have to remember what’s important to you as a couple,” agrees Lazar. “I think there were points where I just gave in a lot and probably my husband did, too, to appease my mom, and in a way we lost what we were about. It’s hard because you want to make your families happy, but I think it’s really important that you believe really strongly in your beliefs as a couple because you can easily get torn apart on both sides.”

Though conflicts can and do arise, once the ceremony is planned, things tend to fall into place.